A Personal Message

Hey! How are you doing?

I just want to tell you a little bit about my jorney and hopefully offer some good resources!

I had my first panic attack when I was 18. I had no idea what it was, I thought I was having a heart attack! It lasted 2 whole weeks. I could feel my blood "boiling" and flowing through my veins,I couldn't stay still and my chest was thight! Then it stopped...It all went back to normal, or so I thought. Over the next few years I started experiencing anxiety, developing compulsions and obcessions. Looking back I'm able to trace back sympthomatic behaviors to pretty much since I was a todler. My anxiety became so overwelming that I on a whim decided to go on an exhange program to study away for a semester. To an island. During the winter. Where I was the first and only exchange student. It was perfect! I felt better, the peace and quiet, it felt good! But when I came back home, it was the beginning of the worst years of my life.

It started with not being able to drive. My legs would shake, the thought of having to get behind the wheel meant not sleeping. I had to plan every single move I was going to make on the road before getting in the car!It got to the point where it was almost like my left eye was seeing reality and my right eye was seeing everything that could go wrong at any given moment. I didn't feel safe. Soon it started happening even when I wasn't the one driving. But it wasn't just the driving. Everything was getting harder to handle. It would take me a whole day to send an email because of the amount of times I had to read it before hiting send. I couldn't leave the house without checking every window, every door, every outlet. I would check the stove even when no one would use it! The thight chest was constant, I almost didn't notice it, much like I didn't notice I was clenching my teeth, it had just become my normal.I didn't do anything about this. I just let it get worse, I was stuck.

Mid 2018 I finally convinced myself to look for some help. I tried alternative medicine, it didn't work. After that it got the worst it ever did. I would sleep 4 hours a night, wake up and literally stare at a wall all day. My brain would be stuck in a storm of intrusive thoughts and list making on a loop. At the end of the day, I was exausted! It wasn't until early 2019 that I finally managed to, after months trying, pick up the phone and book an apointment with a doctor. I went. I was diagnosed with Obcessive Compulsive Disorder. I'd always joked about having it, didn't realise how serious and damaging it was. The doctor thinks I've had it my whole life and it just got worse! I have had this diagnosis confirmed by two other doctors. It took me a long time to find help but when I did everything changed. I'm better now! I'm not healed, I'm on medication, I have good and bad days. But I can get up in the morning, I can write this text and share it with you! I released an album 6 months after getting help. Something I'd been wanting to do since I was a kid!

I guess the whole reason I'm writing this is that back when I was going through all these things not knowing what it was, it was thanks to Chris Wood's platform "IDONTMIND" that I started learning about mental health and started recognising my symptoms and that's what gave me the power to look for help. And if by any chance me talking about my experience can help someone then I'm going to do it! If you're having a hard time, if you're feeling stuck, lost, frustrated, alone, angry. It's ok! It's ok to not be ok, it's ok to ask for help. You don't have to do this alone and you don't have to feel like this forever!

I'm using this page on my website to leave some resources about mental health and other subjects I find important! If you have any sugestions on links I should add here please let me know! You can reach me on all my social platforms! If you want to email me and tell me your story, I don't mind, in fact I'd be honored!

As a member of the LGBTQIA+ community I will also leave resources about it so you can read and learn about it. Whatever you're going through, whatever you're feeling, you're valid! And most importantly, you're not alone!